am i going to have a flat stomach? are you going to get rid of ALLLLLLL that skin? will i be able to look down and see my *ahem* looking back at me or am i still going to have a pooch?
i've looked at so many before and after pictures but none of them seem to quite compare to what i have going on here. it scares me. it scares me to death.
i'm thinking of doing a surgery filter because i'm going to be posting some of my own "before" shots and i don't want to gross out anyone with the amount of skin i have. do you guys want me to do a filter and, if so, do you want to be included? i really don't want to offend anyone by showing pictures of my stomach but i think if i have something i can look at even when i'm dressed it will help...
i've looked at so many before and after pictures but none of them seem to quite compare to what i have going on here. it scares me. it scares me to death.
i'm thinking of doing a surgery filter because i'm going to be posting some of my own "before" shots and i don't want to gross out anyone with the amount of skin i have. do you guys want me to do a filter and, if so, do you want to be included? i really don't want to offend anyone by showing pictures of my stomach but i think if i have something i can look at even when i'm dressed it will help...
- Mood:
cold
I feel so completely crappy right now....went to bed Saturday night just fine and woke up Sunday morning with a wicked sore throat. Now it is morphing into a great cold. I'm so happy. I've been going to work anyway because I just cannot use any of my sick time until February...even if it means going to work with a fever and feeling like someone has run me over. Some of the girls at work are giving me crap about it but I don't care - I got this from work in the first place! I don't feel BAD bad....I just have no energy or appetite. Which means that I'm not losing weight because I'm not eating very much each day. So my body is desperate to conserve all the fat it can....which means that the 198 I saw on the scale last week is back up to 200. I'm trying not to freak out about the numbers because I know they will go down again once I'm feeling better. I'm still trying to exercise but it's hard to do when you can't breathe out your nose!
I'm mailing Christmas cards and packages this week so those of you who have shared your address will be getting something in the mail soon! I hope everyone is well and not feeling like I am! I've decided that 2010 will be the year I do a 365 photo project....it seems wildly appropriate, don't you think?
- Mood:
crappy
I am going to fail my Research Psychology class and I don't even care. Wow.
- Mood:
sick
i've started taking pictures of my body...not full-on candid naked shots but pictures of random body parts. yesterday i was standing in front of the bathroom mirror (naked, yes) and had my foot up on the sink. i was completely overtaken by the sight of calf muscles and major definition. so i ran out of the bathroom (still naked), grabbed my camera and went back to try to capture the sight on camera. it didn't come out as well as i had hoped but gave me the idea to take pictures of my body so i can really see the changes and compare them to what i used to be. i figure it will help with the whole surgery process because i'm worried after surgery i'm going to be even more body dysmorphic than i am now!
- Mood: cold
i've started my checklist of things to buy and/or do before my surgery. i'm sure as things come to me, i will be adding them to the list. also, if anyone has any additions to add, feel free! i'm taking all the advice and help i can get!
to buy
to buy
- bed tray (like the one on amazon)
- big lounge pillow (again, like amazon's)
- compression hose, thigh high
- loose dresses, nightgowns, pj pants, sweatpants, yoga pants (try goodwill first!)
- sheets for bed (try goodwill since they are more than likely going to be ruined)
- cushions for dining room chairs and desk chair (goodwill again)
- chicken broth, soup, jello
- elevated food dishes for cora
- find someone to clean the house and do a giant cleaning before the surgery
- physical with doctor & gynecologist
- make & freeze food
- pedicure (just because you're laid up doesn't mean the feet have to be gross!)
- get hair done
- see judy
- book flight to illinois
- book return flight from illinois & book angela on the same flight
- book angela's return flight
- book rental car
- book cora into camp bow wow for time in illinois and initial time after surgery until drains removed
- book hotel in napa for night of surgery
- take before pictures - on my own and at the doctor's office
- Mood:
busy
let's say hello to the bitter end....
i had to make a cake for a co-worker's birthday celebration at work today. since we all have our preferences listed on a sheet that hangs on a bulletin board, i knew my co-worker loves chocolate with chocolate frosting. i found a recipe for a bundt cake called "death by chocolate" and made it sunday night when i got home from work. while stirring the batter and putting chocolate chips into said batter, i came to a realization. i don't much like chocolate anymore.
what?!?!?!?!?!?!
i
don't
like
chocolate
anymore
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's the strangest thing ever. i used to looooove chocolate and would eat it whenever possible. now? now it tastes icky to me. even today when i was cutting the cake, i loved the smell but took a little bite and confirmed it.
i don't like chocolate.
i think i'm going to faint. maybe it's just chocolate cake i don't like. i had hot chocolate just last week (wasn't really impressed) and had dark chocolate recently (still wasn't impressed). and i've never really been a huge fan of chocolate ice cream. holy crap. what a revelation.....
i hate chocolate.
i had to make a cake for a co-worker's birthday celebration at work today. since we all have our preferences listed on a sheet that hangs on a bulletin board, i knew my co-worker loves chocolate with chocolate frosting. i found a recipe for a bundt cake called "death by chocolate" and made it sunday night when i got home from work. while stirring the batter and putting chocolate chips into said batter, i came to a realization. i don't much like chocolate anymore.
what?!?!?!?!?!?!
i
don't
like
chocolate
anymore
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's the strangest thing ever. i used to looooove chocolate and would eat it whenever possible. now? now it tastes icky to me. even today when i was cutting the cake, i loved the smell but took a little bite and confirmed it.
i don't like chocolate.
i think i'm going to faint. maybe it's just chocolate cake i don't like. i had hot chocolate just last week (wasn't really impressed) and had dark chocolate recently (still wasn't impressed). and i've never really been a huge fan of chocolate ice cream. holy crap. what a revelation.....
i hate chocolate.
- Mood:
shocked
i'm at work waiting for my shift to end....just 30 more minutes and i can wrap up this 12 hour day! just finished reading a pretty decent book called permission slips by sheri shepherd - you know, the woman who's on the view? it was pretty funny. she talks alot about how women need to give themselves permission to fail and permission to screw things up. i'm going to try to take her advice to heart.
i did something today that i haven't done in a long time.....i prayed. honest-to-god got down on my knees and prayed. i prayed for clarity. i prayed for peace. i prayed for strength to get through the next few months. i prayed for help. i prayed for my anxiety to lessen. did it help? i don't know yet. do i feel a little bit better? yes. i feel like i'm not in this alone. i don't feel like that often.
i did something today that i haven't done in a long time.....i prayed. honest-to-god got down on my knees and prayed. i prayed for clarity. i prayed for peace. i prayed for strength to get through the next few months. i prayed for help. i prayed for my anxiety to lessen. did it help? i don't know yet. do i feel a little bit better? yes. i feel like i'm not in this alone. i don't feel like that often.
- Mood:
exhausted
i've decided to give myself permission to cause ripples in my life. i'm no longer going to apologize for making changes that are good for me but bad for someone else. i've been silently apologizing for losing weight and at the same time sabotaging myself. since hitting my lowest weight ever of 185, i have put on 15 pounds. i hover right around 200. seeing that 2 on the scale instead of the 1 makes my heart hurt. consistently seeing that number made me realize that i'm doing what everyone hopes i will. i'm gaining weight, slowly but surely.
i have surgery in less than 3 months. my plan is to be back down to 185 by the time i go home on february 10th. i have set up small goals that are totally attainable. i will be under 195 by the end of december. on january 1st, i am going back on my liquiet diet until a few days before my surgery. my philosophy for this is simple: my doctor says the last thing i'm going to want to do for at least a week is eat. i will be eating jello and soup and will pretty much be on a liquid diet for a while after surgery. i will probably also lose a few pounds as a result. therefore, i want to train my body to get used to the liquid diet before my surgery so my body doesn't think i'm starving it on top of everything else.
the next few months are going to be excrutiating for me. i have so much to do to prepare and i'm totally not used to focusing so much on myself. i am voluntarily dropping out of the dating game until i am healed. i broke things off with the new boy on friday. i just wasn't feeling it. so why should i have to devote energy and time to something i could honestly care less about? i need to focus everything on me and not add another human being, especially someone who is virtually a stranger, into the mix. now all i need to do is limp my way through the last two weeks of classes so i can really focus on me.
the waiting is definitely going to be the worst for me. while i wait, i think and worry and stew. and have the strangest fucking dreams EVER! i guess since i can't picture yself without this skin, my psyche has decided to mess with me. i dream that i have the surgery but it doesn't take or she does the wrong procedure. or i have the correct surgery but my incisions open and i bleed everywhere. it makes me more nervous than i already am! this is going to take forever, isn't it?
i have surgery in less than 3 months. my plan is to be back down to 185 by the time i go home on february 10th. i have set up small goals that are totally attainable. i will be under 195 by the end of december. on january 1st, i am going back on my liquiet diet until a few days before my surgery. my philosophy for this is simple: my doctor says the last thing i'm going to want to do for at least a week is eat. i will be eating jello and soup and will pretty much be on a liquid diet for a while after surgery. i will probably also lose a few pounds as a result. therefore, i want to train my body to get used to the liquid diet before my surgery so my body doesn't think i'm starving it on top of everything else.
the next few months are going to be excrutiating for me. i have so much to do to prepare and i'm totally not used to focusing so much on myself. i am voluntarily dropping out of the dating game until i am healed. i broke things off with the new boy on friday. i just wasn't feeling it. so why should i have to devote energy and time to something i could honestly care less about? i need to focus everything on me and not add another human being, especially someone who is virtually a stranger, into the mix. now all i need to do is limp my way through the last two weeks of classes so i can really focus on me.
the waiting is definitely going to be the worst for me. while i wait, i think and worry and stew. and have the strangest fucking dreams EVER! i guess since i can't picture yself without this skin, my psyche has decided to mess with me. i dream that i have the surgery but it doesn't take or she does the wrong procedure. or i have the correct surgery but my incisions open and i bleed everywhere. it makes me more nervous than i already am! this is going to take forever, isn't it?
- Mood:
thoughtful
Page Summary
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moxiedonna : questions i really want to ask...but am too afraid [+27] - moxiedonna : (no subject) [+0]
- moxiedonna : (no subject) [+0]
- moxiedonna : man in the mirror [+1]
- moxiedonna : she's making a list, checking it twice (at least) [+2]
- moxiedonna : farewell to old friends [+0]
- moxiedonna : (no subject) [+1]
- moxiedonna : permission slips [+2]
- mysterix : Life keeps rolling... [+0]